Zucchini Quickie

George Bush and Dick Cheney are at a fancy Washington restaurant. The waitress approaches their table to take their order. She is young and very attractive. She asks Cheney what he wants, and he replies: "I'll have the heart-healthy salad."

"Very good, sir," she replies, and turning to Bush she asks, "And what would you like, Mr. President?"

Bush answers: "How about a quickie?"

Taken aback, the waitress slaps him and says: "I'm shocked and disappointed in you. I thought you were bringing in a new administration that was committed to high principles and morality. I'm sorry I voted for you."

With that, the waitress departed in a huff. Cheney leans over to Bush, and says: "Mr President, I believe that's pronounced quiche."

I'm cooking today for the first time in ages - quiche, for the office potluck, using this recipe for zucchini, bacon, and Gruyère quiche (reproduced below with my modifications). I made several modifications, of course. Some in the interest of deliciousness and others in the interest of laziness. I won't taste this til tomorrow, but smells emanating from the oven are making my stomach rumble.

1 (9-inch) refrigerated pie dough round (from a 15-oz package)
1 ready made pie crust
1/4 lb sliced bacon, coarsely chopped
1/4 lb sliced turkey bacon, minced
1/2 orange bell pepper
1 shallot, minced
2 medium zucchini (3/4 lb total), halved lengthwise, then cut crosswise into 1/8-inch-thick slices
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup heavy cream
3/4 cup whole milk
3/4 cup half 'n half
1/4 skim milk
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
3 large eggs
1 large egg
1/2 cup egg beaters
2 oz Gruyère, coarsely grated (1 cup)
a couple of handfuls of Gruyère, as needed
a few sprinkles of crumbled garlic and herb feta

Preheat oven to 400°F.

Lightly prick crust (frozen or semi-thawed, it probably doesn't make a difference) all over. Bake for 5 minutes if semi-thawed, 9 minutes if frozen.

Reduce oven temperature to 350°F.

While crust bakes, pan sautée turkey bacon til it has reached desired level of crispness. I may have burnt mine a little. That is ok. I think.

At this point, the original recipe said to "transfer bacon with a slotted spoon to a paper-towel-lined plate, reserving fat in skillet." Sadly, there was no fat left in my skillet, possibly because I burnt the bacon. No biggie, I just drizzled some olive oil into the skillet and used that to cook the zucchini, shallots, and bell pepper for about 5 minutes ("until zucchini is tender and starting to brown").

The original recipe instructed me to "Heat cream, milk, pepper, and remaining 1/4 teaspoon salt in a 1- to 2-quart saucepan until mixture reaches a bare simmer, then remove from heat." Balderdash. Instead, I layered the zucchini vegetable mixture with the bacon, Gruyère, and a dash of garlic herb feta for subtle flavor on the pie crust. Then I mixed the egg beaters, egg, half 'n half, and skim milk in a bowl and poured it all over the pie layers. I added a sprinkling more of Gruyère to top it off, and stuck the quiche in the oven for roughly 35 minutes. Then, because I'm brilliant, I decided to stick the quiche under the broiler. 3 minutes on high, and now the crust is burnt and the top is browner than the African savanna in July. I'm sure it's still delicious, but only tomorrow will tell...

Falafel - Not the Bill O'Reilly Kind

I'm not a falafel snob. Yes, I have had many excellent falafels in my life, but I understand that Solar Falafel wraps from Whole Foods can't be compared with the tiny falafel sandwiches from little roadside shacks in Egypt. I don't expect that authentic terroristy taste. I'm judging this by American standards, and it falls short. This makes me cry, literally, because of the insane spice level - and this was the original. I'm glad I didn't get the turbo.

My ideal falafel wrap is moistened with tahini or yogurt sauce or hummus or SOMETHING. This is not. Falafel is Middle Eastern, yes, but it shouldn't have the texture of the desert - so dry and grainy I have to go to the organic pharmacy place near the office, purchase hummus, then dissect , liberally apply hummus, and reconstruct the wrap.

The last time I had falafel this bad was in Italy last summer, when I thought it would be a good idea to eat falafel at a sketchy little pizza place. That tasted decent, but wasn't particularly fresh. Italian public restrooms are unimpressive.

Drunk Off Meat

Tonight I went to the Salt Lick, where I consumed my body weight in sausage. I'm not generally a fan of barbecue, but invite me to the Salt Lick and watch me salivate. I don't think I can drive a car right now - all the iron in the sausage hit my bloodstream at once, and my pores are oozing sausage.